Things On My Mind
Reflections on the End of Phix
By Paul Murin, guitarist of Phix

Written February, 2007

Phix has been a whirlwind of an experience for all of us. When we started this band, nobody really took the time to imagine it almost 5 years and almost 500 shows later. Phish was on hiatus when we got started, and speaking for myself anyway, I just kind of figured they'd come back sooner or later and Phix would just quietly disappear. Since then they've gotten back together and broken up again, this time apparently for good, and Phix is still here...for a little while, anyway. It is strange to think that, unless Phish gets back together or another Phish tribute band starts touring the country, you might not be able to hear a live "Divided Sky" again.

Easily the best part of this whole thing, the thing we appreciate the most, has been the friends we have made on the road. It makes sense if you think about it--wherever we went, we met the same kinds of people. Music lovers, Phish fans, and generally cool folks. They have gone out of their way to make us feel welcome, to bring us tons of energy at the shows, and even to take us into their homes. I now have friends in every corner of this country, and I never would have met most of them if it weren't for Phix. I've gotten to meet Mike Gordon and Page McConnell. I've gotten to jam with Matt Butler, Jamie Janover, and Tim Palmieri (from The Breakfast) to name a few. Those are the things about this band that I will miss the most, without a doubt. You couldn't put a price on experiences like that.

It was amazing, at times, to watch peoples' reactions to the music while we played. Often, early in our shows, we'd notice much of the audience standing there, skeptical, with arms crossed, not sure what to think about a Phish tribute band. But as the set progressed, and particularly after we'd pull out a big gun like "Reba" or "Divided Sky," it was fun to watch people gradually shed their skepticism and get deeper into the music. A couple other moments stick out in my memory too--we played "Reba" in Atlantic City last summer, and at the end of the jam, where it peaks and then hits a sudden stop, I noticed a hippie girl standing in front of the stage bawling her eyes out. That's the power of a good "Reba", and that's how much people miss Phish. And at a wedding we played last fall, the bride and groom came onstage to dance to "Slave To The Traffic Light," and at the peak of the jam, he dipped and kissed her. Bridesmaids were crying a river down in front of the stage! Seeing people react in such an emotional way to Phish's music, even when we played it, was a very humbling experience for me.

And you know what else was pretty damned cool about playing in Phix? The jams. Anyone who knows me knows that nothing makes me happier than a good old fashioned psychedelic jam. That transcendental place that a good jam can take you to--where everything just works, where you know exactly what to play and you couldn't possibly make a mistake. Where the whole is WAY greater than the sum of its parts. It's a place that a lot of bands never get to, maybe even a dying art in fact. Phix couldn't get there all the time--by nature, it's a hit-or-miss game--but I think Phix had something good going on in that department, and I'll miss that for sure.

I've learned a lot by playing in this band too, things that I couldn't have learned any other way. The complexity of Phish's music forced all of us to become WAY better musicians. We learned a lot about how to play together as a band, how to listen to each other and put together a decent jam. We also learned a lot about how to be a professional touring outfit--from booking and promoting (which we mostly did independently), to traveling and performing. We learned how to put on a good show anywhere, from the smallest little ski town dive bar to premier venues all over the country. We learned how to sound decent on a shitty sound system, or on a festival stage shared with 20 bands in one day. And for better or worse, we have gotten an up-close look at the ins and outs of the live music business.

We've also gotten to visit all kinds of places all over this country, places I most likely never would have seen any other way. When else would I have gotten to visit someplace like Baton Rouge or Charleston or Asheville or Atlantic City or Albany or Boston or Madison or Portland or you name it...I might have gotten around to seeing some of these places, but I never would have seen all of them, and I never would have gotten to party with all the Phish heads in any of those towns. So that's another aspect of this that I couldn't trade for anything.

The weirdest thing about Phix? Playing on stages where Phish used to play--the Gothic, the Fox, and The Boulder Theaters here in Colorado, and countless other venues around the country. I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell am I standing up here on this stage where Trey & the guys freaked me out to the soul over a decade ago--and now I'm standing here playing their songs? Yeah, it was weird. I think a lot of phans were freaked out by that. And playing in Burlington, VT, where it all started, was pretty weird too. We've been well-received in Burlington, and in fact we met Page there, but it still feels weird to play there. Weird, but somehow appropriate too-like making a pilgrimage.

It was also weird to have people tell us that they didn't know Phish, or think that they liked them, until they heard us play. And it was also weird to be playing for younger people who didn't get the chance to see Phish at all. All I can say to those people is that if you think we were good, you shoulda seen the real thing.

Come to think of it though, the absolute weirdest thing, hands down, was standing onstage playing Phish songs with members of Phish in the audience. It only happened twice, might still happen again on the farewell tour (it did,) but easily goes down as one of the strangest experiences of my life. Again, I say what the fuck?

There were downsides too, and I feel like it would be dishonest of me not to mention them. Our travel schedule might have been the toughest part. Because this was not a full-time project, we had only limited time available for touring. As a result, we were constantly making these insane cross-country drives. The southeastern leg of our '07 "farewell" tour is a perfect example--it starts in Baton Rouge and ends in St. Petersburg. So we drive straight from Colorado to Baton Rouge (20+ hours), play eleven shows in eleven nights around the Southeast, and then drive straight back to Colorado from St. Pete (30+ hours) to be at work within 2 days after the last show. The four of us travel with a sound engineer and a lighting designer, who are kind enough to share in the driving, but we have no additional crew or drivers. Nor do we have any kind of management, agency, or publicist. It's all us, and it's a lot of work. Not that we mind the work--we wouldn't have done it for so long if we didn't enjoy it, but I don't think most people realize how much work goes into it.

And I know it's not P.C. to talk about band finances, but we're breaking up so I don't care any more. The truth is, finances were a constant worry for us all along. Some guy came up to me after a recent show and we talked about Phix breaking up. He asked me, "So, were you able to at least save up some money from this so you can take some time off for a while?" I just about spat my beer through my nose. Do people really think that we (or a lot of other touring jam bands) make that kind of money? The truth is that we're just praying we make enough on these last two tours so that we don't have any debt hanging over our heads once the band stops playing. We did well enough to live fairly comfortably while on the road, better than some bands ever do, but we never got our heads above water. One of these days I'd like to write another article that would let people in on the economic side of touring, because I think a lot of people don't realize what it's like. But for now, suffice it to say that anyone who thinks we were doing this for the money, because we were trying to "cash in" on Phish's music, can pretty much kiss my ass.

Which brings me to the last downside of Phix--the haters. AKA the Phish Police. I hardly even want to acknowledge these people, but again, since we're breaking up I don't really care any more. In any case, it really is a small minority of "phans." But it is an incredibly vocal and bitter minority. We had to make a conscious effort to ignore it all along, but I can't say it didn't sometimes get to us. I was often astonished at the negativity, arrogance, cynicism, and general know-it-all obnoxiousness of some people--most of whom, of course, hid behind the anonymity of the internet. Sometimes I'd see the things these peole were saying on internet forums, and I'd think, "Jesus, no wonder Phish broke up." These are the kind of people who couldn't even go to a Phish show and have a good time because they were so cynical. But I have to say that overall, the love we received FAR outweighed the hate. So there again, if anyone really thinks were motivated by anything other than love and respect for the music and its fans, they too can kiss my ass--do you honestly think we would have spent this much of our lives learning these songs, driving back and forth across this country to play them, if we were motivated by anything other than the love for it?

The good news, though, is that I knew all along, in my heart, that I was in this for the right reasons. At no point was I ever worried about that. I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone in the band when I say that. And this was confirmed again and again by the response we got from phans all over the country. Like I said, the good FAR outweighed the bad and the love FAR outweighed the hate.

And all in all, that's the most striking thing that I have seen in those 5 years. I guess this will seem obvious to most Phish fans, but I'm just blown away by how much people LOVE Phish's music. I mean, of course I knew that to some extent, but to actually be onstage, the recipient of, or at least a participant in, that love--that was an amazing experience. I got to taste, first-hand, what the guys in Phish always talked about, that amazing exchange of energy between band and audience. I had had some small tastes before in other bands, but this was different...this was Phish music. And what we experienced while playing it was the real deal.

So I guess the main reason I wanted to write this is to say thanks, first of all, to all the friends and phans who have supported us all along, tour after tour, year after year. It's really because of y'all that we kept doing this for five years. It has been a pleasure getting to know many of you, and I look forward to running into you again at future Bonnaroos, Langerados, and who knows, maybe even a Phish show again some day.

I would also like to extend deep gratitude on behalf of all of us to Phish--Trey, Mike, Page, & Fish--for creating such a special and unique body of music, and for allowing us to share in it for a while. It has had a huge impact on all of our lives, in a 100% positive way. I hope they realize how much their music means to so many fans, and I hope to hear a lifetime's worth of good music coming from all of them in the future.

Thanks for reading,

Paul

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